Too long I think…
Someone had it really right when they said the only constant in life was change. I would have never pictured my life going this way at this time last year.
There are days and moments where I can’t help but be sad for all the possibilities that were lost but at the same time they were just possibilities. I’m not even sure if I miss you, miss us or just miss those perfect moments of happiness, frozen in time.
Since then I have made many bad choices but a lot of good ones too. All which have made me the person writing this today. I feel a little smarter, a little colder, more wise and a little older.
I thought that I had been through some really bad heartaches but I don’t think anything could compare to waking up crying and going to bed crying. I’ve never felt so defeated and so angry at myself for ruining something that had meant a lot to me. But having all this time pass has given me a degree of clarity. Yes I was an idiot, a complete fool but we were just two kids who didn’t really know what we were doing and we paid a dear price for our mistakes. I will always be sorry for what I did to us. But it stopped making sense a long time ago to try to determine the percent blame.
Now all that is left from all that pain and depression is a dull ache, a scar if you will. You know that it hurt a lot at one point but now its just there, a part of you, which occasionally itches.
Moving on, making new friendships and delving deeper into myself and my school work is what this year is all about…
I can never forget what a huge role my friends played in helping me survive and I realized how lucky I was to be filled with all that love. Alexander I don’t think you will ever know how much I owe you for carrying me first semester and making me realize what was actually important even if I couldn’t see it. Shrinesh you were my rock and you made some decisions I could have never made like deleting his number and making me realize that I deserved more than what I was letting myself have. I think I have to give a shout out to my friend Fergie who was my breakup buddy. Jaya you are my twin soul mate, I think you know me better than anyone and you listened when I didn’t even know what I was saying… And too all of my girls who had to endure the dramatic soap opera telling of my story… thank you for listening to me and showing me a good time when I was done ranting.
BU became less of a paradise this year and I learned the value and comfort of home and family. So maybe I am a little sadder, more cynical but I am also stronger for it and will love harder all those people who showed me that there is hope and happiness when everything looks dark.
And you„„ well it was definitely a ride. You helped me ruin everything yet you made me feel happy in moments where I had lost everything. A catch 22. I don’t know what I felt and sometimes I wonder what was real or not when it came to you. I can’t say I regret all of it even if I wish it hadn’t happened. All I know was that in the moment it was bigger than me and more than what I could handle. I really have no bad feelings. I can barely feel anything for you. I’m glad you have someone who makes you smile even if it hurt at first.
And to the new boy… I feel a little sorry that you came into my life right now because you are truly fantastic. You make me feel comfortable in my own skin and make it a point of reminding me of how wonderful you think I am. You know my entire story and you have still stuck around. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with you. Next year will definitely be interesting. I just know you deserve the best and an award for putting up with me.
Good night my lovelies… Tomorrow is another day!