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So I’ve been thinking lately why it’s so easy for me to write when I’m feeling broken hearted, sad or depressed. Why can’t I write about happy things? Things that make me smile, laugh and fill my body with warmth. The answer might not be so complicated. 

When I’m down all I want to know is why, why me, why did this happen. Sometimes those questions aren’t easy to answer, sometimes they don’t have an answer. Because of this I need to sit down, write my thoughts down and expell some of the negativey I carry. If I don’t its like a weight that continues to bring me down lower and lower until I feel like I can’t breathe, I can’t sleep. It drives me insane. 

Happiness is the opposite. It’s something I wan’t to hold onto. It’s so fleeting that I don’t want to waste time writing about it, I want to live it, I want to let it flow through me. Because in reality I never know when I’ll feel that happy again and then I get sad all over again. 


9 am: Oatmeal and coffee breakfast 

9:30 am Development psych w/ the boyfriend

11 am: Gym with the boyfriend because we be getting our sexy on. 

12 pm: Boxing because sometimes I just need to hit things…

haven’t done this in awhile

I think I have a black hole in my stomach

I feel it there like a big empty pit

It’s like I’m drowning in myself.

It’s sucking me dry 

Every moment feels like I’m about to cry

I feel so empty… who am I?

I want to live in those beautiful memories 

Alas they will not stay, they only mean to tease 

How cruel they are to me 

I think I have a black hole in my stomach 

A great ugly vat of nothingness 

Slowly killing every thought of happiness 

The more I love, the more I hate

These feeling for this soulmate

I try to eradicate

They’re nothing but poison

They run in my veins and pulse in my arteries

They’re consuming me… who am I? 

I can’t live like this but I can’t live without

Everyone hear me shout

Please help, please find me a new route

Let me dismiss every kiss 

Rid myself of every caress 

Forget how it feels to be in complete bliss

Better yet hold me tight

Help me find the light 

Show me we’re worth the fight

It’s been a while

Too long I think…

Someone had it really right when they said the only constant in life was change. I would have never pictured my life going this way at this time last year. 

There are days and moments where I can’t help but be sad for all the possibilities that were lost but at the same time they were just possibilities. I’m not even sure if I miss you, miss us or just miss those perfect moments of happiness, frozen in time.   

Since then I have made many bad choices but a lot of good ones too.  All which have made me the person writing this today. I feel a little smarter, a little colder, more wise and a little older. 

I thought that I had been through some really bad heartaches but I don’t think anything could compare to waking up crying and going to bed crying. I’ve never felt so defeated and so angry at myself for ruining something that had meant a lot to me. But having all this time pass has given me a degree of clarity. Yes I was an idiot, a complete fool but we were just two kids who didn’t really know what we were doing and we paid a dear price for our mistakes. I will always be sorry for what I did to us. But it stopped making sense a long time ago to try to determine the percent blame. 

Now all that is left from all that pain and depression is a dull ache, a scar if you will. You know that it hurt a lot at one point but now its just there, a part of you, which occasionally itches. 

Moving on, making new friendships and delving deeper into myself and my school work is what this year is all about…

I can never forget what a huge role my friends played in helping me survive and I realized how lucky I was to be filled with all that love. Alexander I don’t think you will ever know how much I owe you for carrying  me first semester and making me realize what was actually important even if I couldn’t see it. Shrinesh you were my rock and you made some decisions I could have never made like deleting his number and making me realize that I deserved more than what I was letting myself have. I think I have to give a shout out to my friend Fergie who was my breakup buddy. Jaya you are my twin soul mate, I think you know me better than anyone and you listened when I didn’t even know what I was saying… And too all of my girls who had to endure the dramatic soap opera telling of my story… thank you for listening to me and showing me a good time when I was done ranting.

BU became less of a paradise this year and I learned the value and comfort of home and family. So maybe I am a little sadder, more cynical but I am also stronger for it and will love harder all those people who showed me that there is hope and happiness when everything looks dark. 

And you„„ well it was definitely a ride. You helped me ruin everything yet you made me feel happy in moments where I had lost everything. A catch 22. I don’t know what I felt and sometimes I wonder what was real or not when it came to you. I can’t say I regret all of it even if I wish it hadn’t happened. All I know was that in the moment it was bigger than me and more than what I could handle. I really have no bad feelings. I can barely feel anything for you. I’m glad you have someone who makes you smile even if it hurt at first. 

And to the new boy… I feel a little sorry that you came into my life right now because you are truly fantastic. You make  me feel comfortable in my own skin and make it a point of reminding me of how wonderful you think I am. You know my entire story and you have still stuck around. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with you. Next year will definitely be interesting. I just know you deserve the best and an award for putting up with me. 

Good night my lovelies… Tomorrow is another day!

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