Too long I think…
Someone had it really right when they said the only constant in life was change. I would have never pictured my life going this way at this time last year.
There are days and moments where I can’t help but be sad for all the possibilities that were lost but at the same time they were just possibilities. I’m not even sure if I miss you, miss us or just miss those perfect moments of happiness, frozen in time.
Since then I have made many bad choices but a lot of good ones too. All which have made me the person writing this today. I feel a little smarter, a little colder, more wise and a little older.
I thought that I had been through some really bad heartaches but I don’t think anything could compare to waking up crying and going to bed crying. I’ve never felt so defeated and so angry at myself for ruining something that had meant a lot to me. But having all this time pass has given me a degree of clarity. Yes I was an idiot, a complete fool but we were just two kids who didn’t really know what we were doing and we paid a dear price for our mistakes. I will always be sorry for what I did to us. But it stopped making sense a long time ago to try to determine the percent blame.
Now all that is left from all that pain and depression is a dull ache, a scar if you will. You know that it hurt a lot at one point but now its just there, a part of you, which occasionally itches.
Moving on, making new friendships and delving deeper into myself and my school work is what this year is all about…
I can never forget what a huge role my friends played in helping me survive and I realized how lucky I was to be filled with all that love. Alexander I don’t think you will ever know how much I owe you for carrying me first semester and making me realize what was actually important even if I couldn’t see it. Shrinesh you were my rock and you made some decisions I could have never made like deleting his number and making me realize that I deserved more than what I was letting myself have. I think I have to give a shout out to my friend Fergie who was my breakup buddy. Jaya you are my twin soul mate, I think you know me better than anyone and you listened when I didn’t even know what I was saying… And too all of my girls who had to endure the dramatic soap opera telling of my story… thank you for listening to me and showing me a good time when I was done ranting.
BU became less of a paradise this year and I learned the value and comfort of home and family. So maybe I am a little sadder, more cynical but I am also stronger for it and will love harder all those people who showed me that there is hope and happiness when everything looks dark.
And you„„ well it was definitely a ride. You helped me ruin everything yet you made me feel happy in moments where I had lost everything. A catch 22. I don’t know what I felt and sometimes I wonder what was real or not when it came to you. I can’t say I regret all of it even if I sometimes wish it didn’t happen. All I know was that in the moment it was bigger than me and more than what I could handle. I really have no bad feelings. I can barely feel anything for you. I’m glad you have someone who makes you smile even if it hurt at first.
And to the new boy… I feel a little sorry that you came into my life right now because you are truly fantastic. You make me feel comfortable in my own skin and make it a point of reminding me of how wonderful you think I am. You know my entire story and you have still stuck around. I’m not really sure what I’m going to do with you. Next year will definitely be interesting. I just know you deserve the best and an award for putting up with me.
Good night my lovelies… Tomorrow is another day!
This is how you do squats and deadlifts, if you did not know they existed you better start doin’ em.
Need to do more of these
It’s wintery days like this that I miss you the most…
I love you like a love song baby.
and I keep hitting repeat.
Even if it hurts.
but it doesn’t stop it just keeps growing…
I’ve never loved so much in my life.
Now it seems like it never happened.
But then I see him and it hits me all over again like being hit by a train.
I just want to feel happy again and it’s so hard when I just feel so damn incomplete.
I don’t even know where to place the blame anymore.
I guess I can say put the blame on me.
I hope you get better, I pray for you…
I love you even in my darkest times…
but you can put the blame on me
Songs he probably listens to…This list is actually never ending… Can’t wait to wake up from this night mare one day in the near future.
I know now that things had to end. But I am so incredibly sorry, horrified and appalled about the way that they did. I’m sorry for hurting you so much and for making your world so dark. I’m sorry that when you see me its only the things I did badly that pop into your head. I’m sorry for doing what I did and for hurting you so deeply. I swear to you I’m not a bad person. I was just incredibly hurt, hopeless and lost. If you can ever see that I’m sure you will find it in your heart to forgive me. If not then maybe you didn’t love me as much as you said you did. Because I do love you, I will always love you but I will pretend to be invisible if that’s what you want. Pretend it never happened, it was all just a dream.